


Still Sure

by sharkcar



Series: Clone Wars Tarot Cards [19]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Varykino, Wedding Night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-02-15
Packaged: 2019-03-19 02:51:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13695357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharkcar/pseuds/sharkcar
Summary: While waiting for their wedding to start, Anakin and Padme have more than enough time to re-think their course of action. But the heart wants what the heart wants.





	Still Sure

**Author's Note:**

> I think I started it like three months ago. I had a rough idea of the things I wanted to include. When I was drawing the officiant, he reminded me of The Father from Mortis for some reason. Also, writing about cheesy Anakin dialogue is fun. Thrilled as hell to be able to post this finally, since I lost and got back my hard drive that had it on it. I was afraid I'd lost it.

[LINK HERE: The Lovers](https://sharkcar.tumblr.com/post/170911200100)

We rushed into the room stifling laughter. Anakin put my luggage down as lightly as he could. We both winced at the audible thud.  
  
Anakin had pushed the warp speed record to get back to Naboo before next morning so that we had time to take a detour to the Lake District. He was supposed to be escorting me back Theed as my protector. On the trip there, we’d decided to do something rather rash. We’d spent the morning in town arranging a wedding and then had snuck into my family’s summer home, Varykino, so quietly we didn’t think the servants had noticed yet. We had a few hours together before we would be missed.  
  
I stood at the door for a moment, but heard nothing in the hallway. I braced it with my hand to close it quietly. Finally, I rushed into his arms. I put my hands on his neck and our lips met. We’d kissed before, by the lake, on Geonosis, all the way on our hyperspace journey back to Naboo. But this was the first time we’d been alone in a room with a bed since Coruscant.  
  
Back then I had told him to stop looking at me the way he did. I was imagining him touching me, but I hadn’t given any indication. Yet I looked up and saw his face, I realized that somehow he knew. I wasn’t used to having anyone see through my façade. I’d been a painted queen for years, with my real self buried so far under my costumes that my decoys and I could be interchangeable. My expressionless mask of office was usually flawless. That was perhaps the first time that I realized Anakin was more than he seemed.  
  
I had been dismissive of how immature Anakin was when we met again. Too impulsive. Too awkward. Too naïve. Too young. My momentary thought about him was not anything I planned on acting upon. Just a passing daydream. The kind anyone has a thousand times a day. But he knew. Somehow he had a window into parts of my mind that I never shared with anyone. It made me uncomfortable.  
  
So much of my life was public, I’d spent more than half my life in service to my people. My every move was watched and scrutinized for even the slightest flaw. I was recognized for my grace in diplomacy. I followed the rules. Never offend. Never come across as too forceful. Always look perfect. Always behave perfectly. Never make a mistake. Yet, there were times I wanted to do something other than what was expected of me. Times I wanted to say something brutally honest. Times when I found something funny, but mustn’t laugh despite the absurdity. I had just never known anyone I could trust to be that part of myself with.  
  
With Anakin, though, when something made me laugh, I would look up and see him smiling. When something made me angry, he encouraged me to do something about it. When I wanted to express my real feelings, I knew he wouldn’t tell. By the time we got to Tatooine, I was the one ordering him to be disobedient.  
  
In the room in the villa, I found myself taking off his robe and I paused. I had done it automatically. I had had relationships before. I knew the moment had come. But I remembered that he probably wasn’t sure what to expect.  
  
“Are you still sure you want to do this?” I asked him, still holding him close.  
  
He shrugged the robe to the floor.  
  
\--  
  
The light from the window was dimming somewhat. It was late afternoon to judge from the angle of the sun.  
  
Anakin was asleep with his head against my chest. I stroked his hair, smiling a little at the haircut.  
  
His arms constricted me tighter. “I love you, so much.”  
  
“I love you, too.” I must have meant it. There was no other explanation for me doing something this foolish.  
  
“You were right.” He opened his eyes and looked up at me.  
  
“About what?” I retrieved my underwear from the floor and he shifted to his side.  
  
“This won’t be easy. I woke up right now in a panic, thinking, where’s Padme, is she safe? If I’m this bad when I’m with you, it’s going to be even harder to pretend once we’re home.”  
  
I lifted the blanket and stood up.  
  
“Where are you going?” Anakin asked sleepily, adjusting a pillow under his head.  
  
“I’m just going to start getting dressed. It takes a while.” I slipped on a nightgown and light robe from the luggage.  
  
He smirked. He had joked about my wardrobe as I was undressing before. How unnecessarily complicated it was. We were developing the kind of private jokes that only come from intimacy. This was the first time we’d been together as lovers. The first time is an experience that is always exciting. I’d been in enough relationships to know the feeling doesn’t last. I was sure Anakin had no idea. He still looked happily surprised about everything.  
  
As if he could hear my thoughts, he smiled at me. “I know, I must be funny.”  
  
“No,” I said automatically. It wasn’t his fault. He’d barely been touched or allowed any affection growing up in the Jedi Temple. He never seemed quite sure what to do with his feelings. It wasn’t often that he was around people who weren’t like him. I wasn’t sure how Force powers worked, but I’m told that there are forms of consciousness of another being’s presence in a way most people can’t experience. Making love was probably different for him, I thought.  
  
Then again, Jedi are not permitted romantic relationships, so not many of them get to know other beings the way Anakin and I just had.  
  
It had been gentle. With someone as inexperienced as he was, there is always some fumbling at first. But he seemed to be trying to be careful. His touch was almost reverent. But he was trying to manage doing everything with his left hand. He had accidentally brushed my skin with the prosthetic a few times and I’d winced. He’d apologized profusely.  
  
Finally, we both relaxed and I could see him focus. He lightly ran his hand over me and it felt as if every cell in my body was singing. Force sensitives can learn to move things with their minds, control others’ bodies, and establish connections with other beings. Suffice to say, I had never known anything like it. I still felt like I was glowing. I was already looking forward to being with him again.  
  
\--  
  
I looked out into the hallway and saw no one coming. I snuck out the back door and down the stairs.  
  
Anakin was there waiting. “I told Threepio and Artoo to keep the lookout. Nobody’s in the gardens.”  
  
“I just buzzed in the Holy Man at the main gate, he’ll be here as soon as he makes it across the grounds.” I put the veil on my head and started affixing it with pins.  
  
“What?” Anakin wasn’t joking, he was genuinely confused.  
  
“Well, I couldn’t have him come by the boat, the security guards are at the dock. The speeder parking lot is across the grounds near the gate.” I realized as soon as I said it how odd it must sound to him. Wealth still made him uncomfortable. When I’d met him, he was a slave who was sold as a gambling debt over a game of dice. His perspective was so different from mine. It was one of the things that had made me fall in love with him. His life story gave me purpose. He was so passionate about fighting the injustice in the universe and it came from his own genuine experience. I didn’t have anything to compare but loving him made me want to share in his passions.  
  
There was not much for us to do while we waited. I held out the veil, looking at how the sun threw shadows on the ground in the shape of the white lace.  
  
Anakin was nervous, I didn’t need Force powers to tell. When he was nervous, he often reverted to that little boy I knew on Tatooine. Namely, he said strange things. ‘Are you an angel’ and ‘I hate sand’ were a few of his gems. Now that we had both confessed our love, we could joke with each other without hurt feelings. On the flight to Naboo this time, I had mocked him mercilessly. Repeating, ‘I’m in aaaaaagony!’ or ‘If you are suffering as much as I, please tell me!’ in overly emotional tones. He had just smirked and said, “Stop it.”  
  
This day’s contribution was another beauty, “I can never get used to trees.”  
  
Unlike his Jedi Master, Anakin wasn’t known for his skill with words. He’d often stumble because of an inadequate vocabulary to express the things he thought and felt. Not for lack of understanding, but for lack of a formal education.  
  
This, I didn’t laugh at. “Well, Tatooine doesn’t have them. And on Coruscant, they only have them in public parks or gardens. That one’s called a Kermus. Those small fruits will ripen in the summer. That one is a Bhegos. The husks on the ground are seed pods from the autumn.”  
  
He relaxed then, “I used to hear people talk about trees and I had trouble picturing the things they described. They’d point out something wooden and say they were made of trees. I always pictured them as dark and sinister, since everyone said how big trees could get. I used to have nightmares about a planet or a moon with giant trees. It made me feel claustrophobic. Like, it was hard to breathe.”  
  
“Was this a nightmare or one of your visions?” The first time we were at Varykino, he had been having terrible nightmares about his mother being tortured. It turned out, they were not just recurring dreams, as Obi-Wan had tried to convince Anakin, but Force visions of what was actually happening.  
  
I may not have been able to understand his powers, but I’d heard his screams, ‘No!’ over and over again. I’d seen his face the days after. So pale.  
  
“I don’t know. I have it all the time, like when I dream about the future.” He’d said it so casually, as if it was something that happened to him all the time. It must have been difficult for him, having no one to talk to who wouldn’t think he sounded odd. Even other Jedi didn’t sense many of the things he did. He said it was because he was stronger with the Force than even the other Jedi. Yet, they still dismissed him like the very young man that he was. He just wanted someone to believe him. “I’ve been dreaming it so long, it might just be like Obi-Wan says, a psychological projection of one of my fears. I never remember much, just images or feelings.”  
  
“What did you…sense about it?” I wanted to try to be for him what he was to me, a person who was safe to talk to.  
  
Anakin thought for a moment. He was always guarded. He breathed hard for a moment, then slowly went on, “Something I can’t look at. Some…one I can’t look at. Someone I’m actually afraid of. For some reason, now, I can’t seem to think of him without thinking of you. I don’t know, even when I have these visions, I don’t know how to interpret the things I see.”  
  
“You’re under a lot of stress. It’s understandable.”  
  
“I am worried. Padme, in this war, I’m going to have enemies. Dangerous people. You know if it was up to me, I wouldn’t care if people knew about us. It’s just better keeping it a secret, I’m not ashamed of our love.”  
  
When he said, ‘our love’, he had a cheesy delivery that almost made me laugh. He was in that childish tone of voice he’d used in the reading room by the fire that night. That seemed much longer ago than it was. So much had changed.  
  
I tried to smile despite the morbid subject, “I know, Anakin, I have enemies too, that’s why we first came out here, remember?”  
  
“But they wouldn’t come after me to get back at you.” He lowered his brow defiantly. It looked a little childish.  
  
I had to laugh. “Really? So you’re too fearsome a Jedi knight?”  
  
He smiled shyly. “No, because nobody would be stupid enough to think they can keep you from your duty just to save me. I’m sure everyone would say you could do much better.”  
  
I joked, “I work all the time, it’s hard to meet people.”  
  
I crossed the stair and he met me at the railing. “Are you sure this is what you want?”  
  
I wrapped my arms around his neck and nodded. We were face to face.  
  
He smiled. “Look at this, you’re three steps up and I’m still taller. You are tiny.”  
  
“Everyone in my family is short,” I admitted.  
  
“My mom was small. She said I was always big for my age and heavy. When she’d carry me, she joked that she didn’t mind because someday I’d be able to carry her when she needed it.” He paused suddenly. He closed his eyes and took a breath. But he didn’t break. “I miss her.”  
  
I was a little ashamed that I’d already forgotten that his mother had died. So much had changed since.  
  
He took my hand in his golden one. The metal was still cold to touch, even though we’d been out in the sun. He had been trying to hide it from me in his sleeve all day. I admit, when I’d first seen it, I’d gasped. It was just a reflex, I hadn’t meant anything by it. But Anakin was self-conscious about it when we were in bed. When he noticed that he was using the prosthesis, he quickly lowered his hand and let mine go.  
  
“You’re still getting used to it,” I said gently. I took his hand and lifted it to see, “It really is wonderful. I’m sure it will work well once you’ve had some practice.”  
  
He didn’t look convinced. “It’s not practical. For the work I do, I’ll have to wear a glove all the time. It’s going to be itchy. I don’t want the distraction. Maybe I can improve it myself.”  
  
I couldn’t help but smile about the obvious jokes I could make. I needed to reassure him, his ego was still fragile. I hugged him and whispered, “Just wear a glove next time, that metal is cold.”  
  
“Whatever M’Lady wishes.” I hated it when he called me this, but I allowed it to pass so I could kiss him.  
  
We heard footsteps approaching and quickly separated, back to opposite sides of the staircase. We tried to pose ourselves innocently. No one descended from the upper level, the footsteps disappeared in another direction. We went to the railing to look out on the water.  
  
Anakin smiled shyly. “You still sure you want to do this?”  
  
For all his powers, he was still insecure. I was the one who had rejected him the last time we had stood looking out over this water.  
  
All of that awful poetry he was trying to write for me by the fire. I knew the feeling he was trying to find the words to identify, it was attraction. I’d had a first love once, too. Unlike him, I knew that you could get over the hurt. I’d been brokenhearted. I’d had to let down potential admirers before. I had thought it was settled. That was before. Before I was the one to say ‘I love you’ first.  
  
I went back to my practical argument, “It’s our only chance. If something happens to either one of us, it assures that we have the right to see each other.”  
  
He then surprised me, “But you’re not completely happy about this. I sense that.”  
  
We weren’t doing anything wrong, falling in love. The rules were unjust. It was feeling brazen to be breaking them since I was charged with making laws. If I didn’t respect rules myself, how could I be trustworthy? “I told you my concerns before, they haven’t gone away. It will be very difficult, lying to everyone.” That was what I told myself. Though, for some reason it didn’t feel true. My whole life was a façade. Loving him was the first natural thing I’d done since I was a child.  
  
“I think people will care less about it than you imagine. People don’t care much about things that don’t affect them. It’s not really anyone’s business but ours.” Anakin had never had a public life before, he didn’t understand some things.  
  
Recklessness is contagious, apparently, because I knew these excuses didn’t change anything. “I’m here, aren’t I?” Doing the most impetuous thing I’d done since the Battle of Theed. “I’m just afraid, too.”  
  
The thought crept up on me that I was most afraid that it would end badly. Marriage or not, our future prospects looked uncertain. Hurt feelings can cause people to act in ways that are embarrassing. Anakin wasn’t known for being mature or in control. For some reason, right then, I thought of his mother.  
  
Luckily for me, the Holy Man descended the stairs at that moment. We both flushed a little guiltily. I was hoping he wouldn’t recognize me. I was well-known on my home planet, even without queen’s makeup my face was frequently on the holo-net. The veil was supposed to be a subtle disguise that didn’t look suspicious.  
  
“No guests?” the Holy Man asked instead.  
  
We both breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
I did my best to give off an aura of ‘blushing bride’. “Oh, we think it’s much more romantic this way. Between us. We had considered a destination wedding, but no one else could make it.” I tried to sound nonchalant, like a wealthy spoiled brat. I was hoping he would remember me as a bored little rich girl who was marrying someone inappropriate, whose family would annul it as soon as they found out. Therefore, nobody would be hurt if he collected his fee, which I’d made sure was sizable. He’d just signed the marriage certificate, he didn’t even look at the names. Plausible deniability, in case the family got really upset, I supposed.  
  
The Holy Man shook his head slightly, and looked at Anakin disapprovingly as if he were a young miscreant.  
  
Anakin seemed bemused. He shot me a wink over the Holy Man’s head. Internally, I was laughing, but my face was the picture of calm.


End file.
